Beating the Storm
The content photo for this post is of a printed painting we picked up at Coyote Moon Vineyards located in Clayton, NY a few years ago. Actually, we bought so much wine that it was complimentary, hehe! The painting was done by Mary Randazzo, cofounder of the award-winning winery. If you go to their website, you can learn more about Mary and her artwork. There is a quote that starts Mary’s story and it is as follows: “Take a break from work, and spend time doing what you love. We all need balance in our lives. Find what brings you joy and happiness in life and do it”. Talk about alignment! I have not yet framed this photo; we actually just found it as we were clearing out a closet. It was in my office and I happened to glance as I walked by it the other day and thought oh my goodness how perfect! The photo is painted by someone from the North Country, this third post is about how I overcame challenging times, and then the quote…chef kiss!
One of my favorite quotes/sayings that I really do live by is “a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”. I saw this on a coffee mug while vacationing in Dauphin Island. I’m not sure who it originated from so I apologize I can’t give credit where it is due. But again, the alignment. And once I digested exactly what this quote meant, it hit me like a bag of dead toes (Amanda Derrigo, you have a way with words my friend!). Everything in life we go through…excuse me, GROW through…(thank you Brittnea!) makes us stronger and more skilled navigating this little sea we call life. To let the not-so-great experiences consume us and prohibit us from moving forward doesn’t promote growth and we just get stuck in these cycles of doubt, fear, negative self-talk, resentment, and victimism. I have been there, more than once and for way too long.
But you are here for the HOW. I think my first suggestion is if you are in a place where you feel depressed or anxious that you should talk to someone. There is a weird stigma about therapy. The idea that it makes you weak or that you have significant mental health issues. Sometimes it’s just important for us to have someone unbiased to speak with. The first time I sought out therapy, I was 22 and not too long after I was laid-off for the first time and shortly after my grandmother passed away. It was really cathartic to get some things off my chest that actually had nothing to do with my lay off. Once you start peeling back those layers you start to realize things that need attention and might be the root-cause of your hurdles. If the idea of therapy really makes you that uncomfortable, try finding a mentor. I have not been to therapy since I was 22 but I do have a mentor who I can message as needed and I meet with her every few weeks. When I was meeting with my counselor, Jane, back in 2010 she suggested a book called “The Book of Awakening” written by Mark Nepo. I can’t say I’ve made it through the entire book… reading is something I want to do more of but never seem to make a priority of doing. Perhaps this is a good time to make note of scheduling reading a few page into my day?! Jane actually gifted me this book and she wrote me a note.
“Kayla, when one can no longer see, one can at least know. You are a star in my constellation and I am always here for you! So proud of how far you’ve come”.
Along with my younger self, I wish Jane could see how far I have in fact come.
The definition of self-reflection (taken from google) is the process of thoughtfully observing and assessing your thoughts, feelings, and actions to gain deeper self-awareness and understanding, often with the goal of personal growth and making informed decisions. Yikes, am I right?! Going into that type of shadow work can seem scary and often our ego doesn’t want to uncover our truths, especially if it means facing the parts of us that are not so great. My favorite way I love to play “we listen and we don’t judge” with myself is through journaling. I think journaling really helped me get the party started. I also have to give a little ounce of credit to all of my corporate jobs, because if you are familiar with annual self-evaluations then you know how introspective you have to be and you also know that management has to give their feedback on your strengths and opportunities. Having someone else tell you what they think of you is often a hard pill to swallow. There is a special place in hell for annual evaluations. I’ve been through enough of them (receiving and also having to critique other people) to have the right to say that. It would be a lot to get into for now, but if ya’ know, ya’ know. Sometimes the feedback can be legitimately constructive and give opportunity for growth and development. With any feedback or self-reflection, be sure to always stay true to your authentic self. Take what resonates and leave what does not. And most importantly, be kind to yourself. We all have things we can be more adept at and putting in the work for self-reflection is an amazing first step!
I’ve also grown fond of self-care! You learn a lot about yourself in your “you-time”. I exercise regularly, attend fitness groups, get facials every 6 weeks, and allow myself a little treat every Friday from our local coffee house. And I do appreciate a great self-care book. If you haven’t, read “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. It is about how to step into your power and leave everything else behind! This author has brilliant humor and is so wise. It took me A LONG TIME to get through this book, because, ya’ know, guilty of prioritizing other things over reading. But every time I picked up where I left off, its as if the pages had a message just for me. I think it’s important to address the guilt that can come along with self-care. Putting yourself before others? Especially being a wife and a mom. The way I see self-care is if you can’t be your best self, how can you be the best mom, wife, friend? Obviously, we all have responsibilities that come first and sometimes self-care needs to take a back seat. Even taking 10 minutes in the morning to yourself before the rest of the house wakes up or having to rush out the door can be extremely beneficial. But why do we experience guilt for taking care of ourselves in the first place? And maybe some of you don’t! (teach us grasshoppers the way!) I still feel guilt creep up on me every now and again. It usually happens when I feel like I am taking too long somewhere else when I should be home. No one makes me feel this way other than me. Maybe it’s societal standards for women; if we aren’t cooking, tending to the household and kids, holding a job, that somehow we aren’t productive. After our daughter was born, I held a lot of resentment, particularly towards my husband, for a long time. I felt like I had to do everything and that if I was away from my baby I was a bad mom. In reality he didn’t care. It was in my own head. Once I let that go, things got so much better. But it took me a LONG time.
The more I learned about myself, it was easier to understand others. One would say I am more sensitive. I am all about the principle of things and balance. I would allow myself to get so incredibly worked up over insignificant situations whether it be personal or in the workplace. That feeling would last a few days, sitting on the edge of my mind bothering me and eating at me, creating undue stress and anxiety. I can almost guarantee the other person didn’t give two shits. They weren’t making up dialogue in their head that never happened, consuming their every thought! You see, I am a certified professional over-thinker…well, I was. I let my certification expire and don’t plan on renewing anytime soon. I was also a worrier of all the things. Double. Trouble. In 2018 I was selected for an Emerging Leaders program at work. I was really proud of it, but my management was hella sus’ and I could tell they just wanted to pacify me in the moment. Regardless of the reason, the classes I took during this program were extremely beneficial and a testament to my healing process. Emotional intelligence was a big one! Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own and others emotions. Once I realized I was in control of only how I handled situations, it made things fall into place for me. You can’t control others reactions or what others think of you so why give it energy? Many people are talking about Mel Robbins and “The Let Them Theory”. I have not read the book, but understand the premise and happy to know I have been “letting them” for a while now. I absolutely would recommend the book or anything on emotional intelligence to help you become unbothered. But it also allows you to understand others more and not take things so personally. We are all living our lives and going through things others may not comprehend. As I get older, I feel more empowered to be direct with others, of course in a nice way. There is no harm in having good communication skills! And why not try and understand a situation before it’s taken out of context, right?
My final thought and something that is more important to me now than ever, is the company that you keep. Your village. Tribe. Girl Gang. Bro Squad. Wolf Pack. Inner circle. Whatever you want to name it. Surround yourself with people who support you and want to see you succeed even if they are at different places in their life. People that lack jealousy and ill-will. People who are there for your greater good and don’t try to dim your light to make themselves feel brighter. Whether family or friends, not everyone is meant to stay in your life. Letting go can be difficult but your peace is more important. I have had experiences with family and friends who made me feel that my “extra-ness” was a bad thing, people that made me question my moral integrity because they thought differently than I did, people who accepted narcissistic behavior and condemned me when I decided to set strong boundaries against it. I have come to realize that you don’t always have to be the bigger person, especially if you didn’t do anything wrong.
In the year of our Lord, 2025, I declare:
I am matching energies.
I am only pouring into cups that pour into mine.
I am not accepting hidden agendas or one-sided relationships.
I am being a little more inaccessible and disconnected.
If it means some people, places, and things have to go then I surrender and accept. I am not living life as a people-pleaser or get taken advantage of. I am embracing saying “no” more to the things I am not fully invested in. And for the people, places, and things that “make the cut” and completely align, I am fully dedicated and grateful. This part of healing is absolutely the biggest flex. Also a great time to bring up social media. What you follow is also “the company” you keep. Social media is a blessing and a curse. It took me a while to really discern who I wanted to see my personal life and what accounts to continue to follow. I recently did a big declutter on social media and let me tell ya’ how good that felt! Just be mindful and don’t feel bad for removing someone from having access to you.
In closing, healing is a journey. It takes time. Once you make it out to the other side…. it’s like taking your first sip of coffee in the morning or crackin’ a can of beer off the back of your boat for the first time of the season or getting a spicy margarita and splitting nachos and queso with your girl gang! You KNOW what feeling I’m describing.
You HAVE to create the life you want. No one can take action for you. Luckily the world is full of tools and resources to help you get there! Below I have listed some extra books, sites, and social media accounts I find to be really helpful!
See you next Tuesday ; ) Love yous guys! xoxo
Local Resources
NYS Office of Mental Health - https://www.omh.ny.gov
Creekside Counseling - https://www.creeksidecounselingservices.com
Canalview Chiropractic, PC - https://www.canalviewchiropractic.com
Books
The Untethered Soul
The Pivot Year
The Art of Letting Go
Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Workplace
Social Media
Facebook - Be Well with Britt
Instagram - @melrobbins, @claudiaravioli, @nickimarieinc, @MyPeakChallenge